Over it.
If you pick me

If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left, but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late - and I won’t complain about it. Promise. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I’ll try and mess you up. I’ll find you magically delicious. I’ll let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me -I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night. Of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning when we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching TV. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s at Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll give you the last bite. I’ll make you laugh. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip a beat every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away -seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ by some and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I will hold you when you need it. I’ll give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly before every time your mom comes by. I’ll watch horror movies when I’m with you, but only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I’ll love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous -and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a savior, a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent.

Baffled.

The lack of responsibility that wasn’t instilled in to Jon’s brain baffles me. I guess it’s history repeating itself. I don’t know why he thinks that at twenty-three with two kids from different woman it’s ok for him to want to sleep around with every one in the city of Houston. You would think he would want to create some stability for at least one of his offsprings. That’s not the case. I hope he doesn’t regret doing this before it’s too late.

Cat & mouse.

Like a childish game of cat & mouse with his emotions I played. It felt good having control until that game was turned on me. Never did I expect to be swallowing my words. Never did I expect to lose him and feel him and our love slipping through my fingers. I want nothing more then to try and fix it. Is it too late? Is there still time? Will I be able to live with myself knowing that I let a good man slowly turn and rot because of my vindictive ways? He was good to me but like always I didn’t want to settle, I expected more and better, forgetting to be thankful for the effort he tried to invest in me, in us. I can’t go on like this. I can’t live with the guilt of knowing that I was the one that ruined our chances of being a family. The chance of giving Matt what I didn’t have. Stupid stubborness, stupid me. Why’d I have to get so caught up on the high school ways and drama? Why couldn’t I focus on what an actual relationship was and focus on the positive things I wanted from this relationship? My mind is overflowing with what ifs but what if I get the chance and just ruin it again? I can’t & I won’t. I promise.

The most.

Depressing of all elements is knowing that you’re worth is being valued by a simple documentation status. What I wouldn’t give to just go back to Honduras and never deal with this mess ever again. Losing my scholarship and ability to make even the slightest bit of money makes me feel like a worthless human being. I can’t take it. I just want a better future for Matt & I.

Humpty dumty.

Aunt Jen dropped my little nugget today :(

Carrie Bradshaw.

I’ve always had my expectations set really high until I discovered how I’ve set my self up for huge disappointments. Why should I let people and their actions affect me? Why should I let people control my happiness? My whole aspects of the perfect relationship has changed. I no longer want to marry because of love. I’ve loved way too much in my entire life and it’s gotten me nowhere. Out of love and hope I got a marriage license only to be stood up because of his childish temper tantrum. Worse possible feeling anyone could ever encounter. Why me? Why let it get to me? I did my part. By no means am I perfect but do I wish to go through that again? No. Do I so desperately want to seek what the world has to offer, not men or relationship wise but as to explore and learn? Yes. I won’t ever bring up that nonsense of marriage. I have lots to fix about me before any man can change my mind.

Fat girl love

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt

Not a happy chunk.

Not a happy chunk.

Daddy’s little man

Daddy’s little man

Zoology.

Took my chunk to the zoo today as a celebration of his two months. He didn’t understand and sure it was pointless but it only leads to more anticipation because I can’t wait for him to grow up. As a part of building memories, I took pictures some I’m sure he will like to burn as he’s older but I’ll never forget the memories I’m making with my little man.